Sunday, June 19, 2011

Days Like This

Sometimes I feel like I'm moving on. I have a future and I'm stepping into it with vigour. I truly don't long for the old things anymore, but cherish my freedom and my individuality and all the things I can do now. But then there are days like today - Father's Day - or any real milestone day that reminds me of all the loss. I hate it that I take two steps back on days like today. I find myself remembering things, smiling over things. Wondering if I'm the only one thinking of them. I get a little bit lost in the blur between what I have a right or a reason to feel anymore. A decade of Father's Days have been gouged out of the lump of clay that is my life. A decade of birthdays, of holidays, of Sundays. An entire decade that revolved around two people is a blurry mess now. And I look at old photos and try to reconstruct the memories. I look into faces and try to read the thoughts behind them. I thought I knew, but now I don't know anything about that time. And its not that I want it all back. I know that if it wasn't what I thought it was, it must have been a sham on at least one level. And I don't want that back. But I just want a way to reconcile it. To tell myself it wasn't all just a waste and a lie. There were pure, real moments. There was a purpose in there. And photos like these ones are the comfort. I don't know what Dane is doing for Father's Day today. But he is with our kids, and I hope he is realizing that they are one true, good thing that came out of the dissolving years of our marriage.