Friday, February 15, 2008

An Application For Permission To Date My Daughter...

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________ HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______ Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No If No, explain: ______________________________ Number of years they have been married ______________________________ If less than your age, explain______________________________ ACCESSORIES SECTION: A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No C. A waterbed? __Yes __No D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No E. A tattoo? __Yes __No F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __Nopierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? (IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.) ESSAY SECTION: In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ REFERENCES SECTION: Church you attend ___________________________________________________ How often you attend ________________________________________________ When would be the best time to interview your: father? _____________ mother? _____________ pastor? _____________ SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answersare confidential. A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: ______________________________________________________________ B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ______________________________________________________________ C: A woman's place is in the: ______________________________________________________________ D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________________________________________________________ E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ______________________________________________________________ F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: ______________________________________________________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, AND RED HOT POKERS. _________________________________________________________ Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!) ________________________________ Mother's Signature ______________________________ Father's Signature ________________________________ Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.


1. Who was your FIRST prom date? Aaron Baker. My first and last because I only managed to go my senior year 2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love? Once in a while we email. 3.Who was the FIRST person to really break your heart? Also Aaron Baker 4. What was your FIRST job? Cashier at Little Caesar's Pizza 5. What was your FIRST car? Toyota Tercel Wagon - I let Mark Ensley take it to a Grateful Dead show and he wrecked it. Fink. 6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today? no one so far 7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning? Dane Cook, I had a dream about him ... mmmmmm 8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher? Mrs. Swearingen - she was obese, wore horn-rimmed glasses and muu-muus and got mad at me for writing in cursive before she had taught it to me. 9. Where did you go on your first airplane ride? CA for Corey's wedding 10. Who was your FIRST best friend and are you still friends with them? Christy Burris - not since 6th grade. 11. Who was your first kiss? Brandon Dean "Jellybean" Alexander. I was 14. He smelled like sawdust from woodshop. I was wearing high heels and I wobbled all the way across campus to biology class with a silly look on my face. 12. Where was your FIRST sleep over? I can't remember the girl's name, but she lived in a trailer. We played light as a feather and watched horror movies. 14. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time? Anika's first one 15. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning? Tried to move and realized I had a horrible kink in my neck. I had to have Huyler bring me an icepack and some ibuprofin. :( 16. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to? Pearl Jam 1992 with Jarnli and we drank wine coolers the whole way down to Mesa Amphitheater. There is a really fun photo of us that you have probably all seen, half-drunk at SUnset point in our grunge 17. FIRST tattoo or piercing? Ears pierced when I was 8. Tattoo when I was 18 of a turtle on the small of my back - Norwalk Tattoos! 18. FIRST foreign country you went to? Canada to visit Anika when I was 15. I listened to Morrissey on the headphones the whole way - sandwiched between Ammon and Elsa in the station wagon. 19. First movie you remember seeing in the theater? Tron! And Daddy drove crazy the whole way home, pretending that our car was eating the dotted line like pacman! 20. When was your FIRST detention? I never had detention. I even got caught forging my mom's signature so I could ditch. I got lectured by Mr. Bixler. 21. What was the FIRST state you lived in? California 22. What was your FIRST alcoholic drink? Jarnli you are lying because I distinctly remember taking swigs of mom and dad's kahlua together. (: 23. Who was your FIRST roommate? Aaron Baker and about 6 cowboys who we shacked up with. It was a spur of the moment emergency, and they did drink a LOT of beer, even if the music sucked. We also had a lot of couch surfers - like Matty Patty and Amber Muckerman- and finally ended up kicking the cowboys out and in moved Chris Martinez and Mark Ensley. Much better music.

My Aristocratic name

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Lady Madame Tasha the Functional of Chalmondley Chumleyton
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