The New Cell Phone Rules

I recently read the new Email Etiquette posted by Catfood & Cabernet, and in a similar vein, I would like to present the Cell Phone Rules that I plan on giving to my husband as soon as he gets back to me.

1. We are currently spending $100 extra a month on your excessive text messaging, when we have FREE Sprint to Sprint calling. Why? Because you are enamored with your new touch screen phone that lets you transcribe instead of pushing buttons. So, from now on, you are forbidden to text me. I will not read or respond to your text messages. They are a poor form of communication anyway, because every time we converse via text, someone misunderstands our shortened version of the English language and I show up with Chinese food instead of the pizza you ordered. So, call me and tell me exactly what you mean and then hang up. Free.

2. I understand if you are in the middle of something and can't talk that you may push the ignore button. That doesn't mean that I never called you. Since I spend much of my time caring for our children, and since you are out driving our only vehicle around, consider the fact that I may have an important reason for calling you and RETURN my call as soon as you can. Telling me you forgot is not a valid excuse when I am calling you every 10 minutes and not getting through.

3. I hate it with a passion when you try to call my cell phone and I don't get to it in time so you immediately try the home phone. Please picture the scenario... I am cutting up a raw chicken for dinner. My hands are all slimy, bacteria infested and gross. The phone rings. I run to the sink to rinse off my hands, then turn to find a towel to dry them, only to see that the 5 year old has used it to wipe off his muddy shoes. No time to find a new one, my cell is on it's 3rd of 4 rings! I reach to my pocket, but.... where is my phone? I left it on the bathroom counter when I was wiping our 4 year old! I race to the bathroom and answer the phone just as it clicks to voicemail. So, then, I quickly hit "Call" to get you right back, and your phone goes directly to voicemail just as the phone in the kitchen begins to ring. I run back to the kitchen, tripping over the kids playing in the middle of the floor and by this point the dog is chasing me from room to room thinking it is a game. By the time I reach the kitchen phone, it too has stopped ringing. (You hung up before the voicemail picked up this time). When my cell rings again, I can be certain I will get a lecture for not answering my phone. NEXT TIME just wait to the count of 10 after you miss my cell. I will almost always call you right back, avoiding danger to life and limb on my end of the call and avoiding a pissed off wife on your end.

5. Just wait until you are past that power line that ALWAYS makes you drop a call before you even dial. Because you never remember to warn the very important client/doctor/long-lost-relative you are talking to that you are entering a bad service area, so they are always surprised when they lose you. AND you are always going to scream a profanity when you lose the call, even when the kids are in the car with you.

6. I know you can play Vegas Solitaire and Bubble Breaker on your phone. But put it down and spend some time with US.