Maybe one of the reasons I don't post as much is because I don't want to write about bad things. Like debt and bills and having no work and worrying. I hate these times when my thoughts are consumed with grocery money and late payments. I don't want to write about it, but that's what I think about most of the day. I can't even go to bed because laying in bed I can't stop thinking about it. I'm exhausted because for the past 2 weeks I found on Netflix Instant Play the perfect escape from those long, dark nights.... LOST.
I know its so 5 minutes ago to be addicted to that show, but I never watched it, and one night when I didn't want to go to bed I started with the first episode and I was hooked immediately. Dane won't watch it with me, so now its a nightly ritual to tuck him in and then proceed to stay up until 2am watching 3 or 4 episodes in a row until I have to turn it off because my head hurts. Then I wake up way too late in the mornings, have no time for reading my Bible or praying or even preparing mentally for my day, because the kids are up before me and Dane is gone to work. I really need to break this cycle. I need to go to bed with Dane and wake up early again.... I was much happier that way. But every night when its time for bed, I don't even want to think about trying to sleep. Not while Jack and Kate and Sawyer are all still on the island. Not while Walt is out there in the jungle with the Others. And especially not while there is so much reality to think about in the darkness of my bedroom.
I haven't been in this dark place in a long time, because in all honesty, God has been carrying me for several years through our poverty. He still is, and if I would take a look around me at all the wonderful parts of my life that I'm taking for granted, I would probably feel a lot better. I can look back over just the past 3 years and tell you more miracles than I could even count on my fingers. I made a resolution "More of Jesus in 2010". So, I know its time to put a stop to these late nights. I know its time to put my focus back where it should be. Two weeks of wallowing is long enough. I can do this because Jesus is in me, helping me.